BFF No More (backdrop)

This was written in late September of 2009 regarding a friendship that I had with a woman who I truly believed to be my best friend. In fact, she was and it was very, very unfortunate that our beautiful friendship ended over stuff that was very trivial in the grand scheme of things.



At this point in time, we have begun talking again...but things are moving very slowly and I'm honestly not sure where things will go from here. The first step has been taken to kind of get things to where my husband and I have determined that we will in fact remain God-parents to her 2yr old daughter, this decision was made early this month after much talking, thinking and some praying. I'm happy to say that it will be a blessing for Ivan and I remain God-parents but as far as the friendship *shrugs* I'm not sure what God has in store. But I do know that there will be a need for us to revisit some very specific instances and exchanges before we can truly move forward. In fact, there will need to be somewhat of a re-introduction to one another b/c we shared our most intimate moments and confided in each other holding nothing back. There are some trust issues that will prevent this from happening, at least early in the game.



This post serves as the backdrop to a future post that will be titled "Friendship: China Cabinet Full of Glass - Tipped Over








Written September 27, 2009

Purpose: I feel like it’s important that LaTanya is made aware of the things she said and my ultimate desire is for her to own up to the intentions of her heart when she said these things, acknowledge what they meant and apologize specifically for her part in the demise of our friendship. A general or blanket apology is a great starting point but won’t get us far in moving forward with forging a better relationship and stronger friendship.

I especially feel that there is a subtle attempt to bypass or attempt to gloss over what was said in this email and I’m not comfortable with that. It communicates to me that LaTanya is not willing to deal with certain aspects of the previous relationship during this tough time that may make her look bad or my be contrary to her closely held beliefs about herself, her standards and the esteem with which she holds herself.

Events according to Del:

A phone call was placed b/c of the need to speak directly to LaTanya. I believe that she sent my call directly to her vmail in an attempt to avoid dealing with me directly. My vmail was plain and simple, I wanted to know if our friendship is completely done or if there is the opportunity to restore it in due time. I gave her the option to call me back, text me or let me know via email.

Notes: my question was black and white, yes or no and because I expected the simple answer considering my request, that was why the options to text or email were given. I never felt the need to receive an explanation for anything – is the friendship over or is there work ahead of us. Period.





LaTanya’s Initial Email – Response

The entire email was laced with emotion, unnecessary jabs, reducing and minimizing our history and the friendship we built and far exceeded what I requested.

#1 – my behavior has proven that I am not and have not been a real and true friend.

#2 – recounting ALL of the things that took place and mentioning that they are in black and white on FB, which first of all is not the case…I didn’t go into detail about the various issues we were having. Secondly, this statement in its entirety is attempting to point the finger solely at me for bad behavior, mistreatment of her and ugly conduct.

#3 – Foolishly believed that we were friends based on her understanding of what a friend is. !! smh

#4 – restoration in the past. She basically implies that every trip, every blunder and every issue was pretty much my fault, hurt her in the process and required HER to forgive and restore me. Essentially, being the victim as if she’s been spotless, blameless and without fault.

#5 – Because I shared with her my growing distrust of her and due to the time frame and vehicle by which she finds this out, she then feels that I can not be trusted. Sounds childish to me…

#6 – obtained closure on the matter already and wants the best for me, so she therefore made it a point in and of herself and by herself to no sever and end the relationship w/ out communicating such a position or decision.

My response:

I was thankful for her transparency, understood completely her position as it relates to ending the friendship and made it a point not minimize, reduce, play down, disrespect or make shallow the relationship, friendship and bond of sister hood we built, nurtured and maintained. I did not seek to make her feel as if she was less of a friend than what I truly believed her to be and was not going to give the satisfaction of the continual griping and carrying on.

Nor did I feel it necessary to lace my response with pieces and glimpses of my emotions and feelings about the drama and unresolved issues that abounded between us.

Based on her email, it suggested to me that our ties are totally severed and I felt it necessary to bring up our role in her daughters life as God-parents. For clarity’s sake, I did not want this last part of the situation to go unsaid. Because I was truly through and over it. As well as being any kin to her child.

LaTanya’s next response:

At this point, I feel like she’s beginning to be very, very unreasonable, catty and keeping the drama going for no reason. I don’t feel that she was being mature at all and displayed the inability to put her personal feelings aside…she felt the need to keep pushing the envelope and in a way that was offensive and unnecessary.

First of all, it is and was not her job to “get me to grasp” or to “teach” me or help me to “learn” anything.

Next, she feels the need to revisit the idea that I’m “requesting restoration” and then that I’m doing so w/ out a second thought!! Neither have ever been my request. And then feels the need to reiterate that she can’t “call me” a friend, let alone a best friend.

Her then bringing Ivan into the picture…that just goes to show that she’s doing a tit-for-tat. She takes an issue (and understandably so if she’s emotional about it still and can’t keep that aside) with virtually everything and feels the need to vent as much as she can w/ out being obnoxious about it.

She then attempts to politely tell me not to respond! And then has the nerve to feel as if there was a NEED for clarity.

My next response:

By now, I’m irritated and wish that I had the strength to stop this exchange. Even if it meant calling her to discuss this in person.

It was important for me to let this chic know that I’m not for all this going back and forth w/ these shallow details, unnecessary jabs and the need to posture. It was important to me to know where she stood. Period. All the other extra stuff was completely unnecessary and uncalled for, especially if she’s going to choose to do this via email. She knows very well the situation b/t her and I as it relates to written communication regarding an issue where tone, etc. can be mistaken and blown out of proportion. It’s obvious to me that she didn’t care and in fact, WANTED to do everything she could to hurt me, disrespect me, tear me down and make me feel bad about myself and/or the situation.

So this response was to simply let her know that she’s no angel. She’s not perfect in any way, shape or form and did MUCH wrong that SIGNIFICANTLY contributed to the demise and ending of our relationship. Her lying, her deception, her hypocrisy….these are not small time things. These are serious character issues that she needs to face.

I reiterate that the purpose of my call was to find out ONE of TWO things. All this extra booty-chatter is for the birds and is completely uncalled for.

So…

If we’re going to remain God-parents to her child, then we ADULTS need to get on the same page. And if there is no desire or discipline for her to be mature about this aspect of our situation then we need not discuss any further. She and everything attached to her is completely out of my life. It’s not wise, makes no sense and is even problematic to move forward in the way she suggested just call when you want to speak or see her child. That’s insane…especially since she now has these “trust issues” where I’m concerned. CLARITY and communication is required and if she can’t see that…something is terribly wrong on her end.

If she wants to go back and forth about these issues…doing so via email childish and that’s exactly what she was being.

Latanya’s next response:

She finds this funny (or so she wants me to believe that, it’s a catty way of trying to get under someone’s skin) and takes the position that this exchange was per MY request and per MY benefit!!! This wasn’t what I requested. Like, AT ALL! ..lol

It would have been rude not to respond, but according to her, she was done, closed and shut it down and moved on – without communicating this to me. (ok, that’s very mature)

She claims she doesn’t need to lower herself to be rude to me, although that’s exactly what she did throughout this entire email exchange. She starts of nice but really got into her feelings and did nothing but. Having an attitude…that’s rude!!

Never once did I imply that the decision to remain God-parents to her daughter was hers or that I wanted her to even participate in that decision. What she is required to do is participate in the facilitation of Ivan and I being involved in her child’s life, which means she will need to put forth some effort. So it’s again apparent to me, that she’s not listening to anything I’m saying…she’s steadily bantering back and forth b/c she just wants to get some things off her chest in a way that’s indirect, unacceptable and behind a computer!

She further makes it painfully clear that she’s not necessarily woman enough at this point in time to deal with what’s in front of her. This passive, surface, shallow interaction as it relates to her daughter is childish and completely unacceptable. The fact that she’s unable to see the necessity and sheer value for all parties involved to meet as adults, talk as adults to ensure we are all on the same page moving forward as it relates to her daughter is very foolish of her on so many different levels. And to feel the need to no further discuss this matter showed me what was really going on.

There is absolutely no reason why this email exchange took place in the first place. I feel like she wasn’t woman enough, strong enough, courageous enough and balls enough to speak to me directly over the phone. I don’t see how or why she opted to respond via email…KNOWING how we both feel about dealing with matters via email. That was most certainly a coward move and the foolywang ensued thereafter.



My last response was clear, straight forward and to the point. Be an adult about this God-parent situation or know and understand that it’s a dead issue and we will no longer be God-parents to her daughter. All this extra unnecessary side chatter…she needs to learn how to or better yet, CHOOSE to use restraint and self control and stay focused on what’s at hand.