Provider?

Inside...I grieve.  I grieve a sadness, a pain, a fear, a hopelessness that is very real in my heart. 

I know my husband loves me, I know that he's in love with me and that I am liked by him (yes, liking your spouse is important too...lol).  But he created within me the sadness, the pain, the fear and the sense of hopelessness that I'm deciding to now deal with because I realize how it's a barrier or stumbling block somewhere (unknown at this point) in our marriage.

Early in our marriage, we were having some minor financial difficulties.  We were in our first apartment together in Northeast DC and during one of our conversations about our financial picture I grew frustrated. I managed to tell Ivan that I bet that if it came down to it, I would be the first person to get a second job. He thought about it for a quick moment and with a very small attitude, he said "you're right."

I can't even begin to recall how that made me feel. And that feeling only festered in my heart till this very day.  Because it said a lot to me.  It said to me that he is and was willing to sacrifice ME before he would get out and do whatever it takes to take care of me, his household, his family.  That hurt and the feelings are robust yet suppressed so deeply that I have to do some digging.  And the process is a painful process. I mean, who wants to walk through the pain that such a position would and has caused?

Till this day, I feel like through out our marriage I have been the lamb sacrificed because of my income potential. It became a requirement for me to work because of the amount of money I have always been capable of bringing in which afforded Ivan the ability to be comfortable (and yet stagnant).  It has allowed him to forgo acquiring the drive, the ambition, the need to get on his grind and be the breadwinner and provider for us and our future family.  He's more of a man of thought than a man of action.  Atleast that's what and how things have been in the past and he's beginning to pursue a shift in that area of his life. I'm grateful!!

So how do I move forward?  *shrugs*

How do I feel?

I don't trust or believe (at this point in time) that my husband will do whatever it takes to take care of his family.

I don't trust or believe (at this point in time) that everything my husband does, is for his family (of 1 at the moment).  Which means when we expand into a family with 1,2,3 children...I don't believe that everything he does will be for us.

I don't trust or believe (at this point in time) that my husband can be the sole provider for his family.

I do not believe that I, his wife, am enough to motivate and drive him to do and be the best that he can in order to provide.  I don't believe that he sees me as valuable or worthy enough to take care of.  Simply b/c he knows that I am very capable of taking care of myself. ...or even us both if I had to. He rests in that. But it's interesting how the wife in this marriage doesn't have the ability to REST in the security of her husband and his provision.

I've begun to resent my husband deep down in my heart. Because I feel like he takes my strength and resourcefulness, my skills and abilities for granted.

I feel like my husband sees me as a cash-cow as opposed to a gem. Work me b/c of the money I can make and the financial contribution I can make to the household. It essentially make his life easier.  Therefore I feel used.

I feel like my worth, my value has decreased or deteriorated in his eyes b/c he has a preference for my financial contribution. Work ME because it'll make things easier for HIM. When in my heart, I wish he would work himself in order to make things, life even, easier for ME.

It's one type of pain to have a husband that's not capable of providing for me and taking care of our household financially and providing a strong sense of security. That pain I don't have. 

The pain I have feels much stronger b/c I feel like I have a husband who's capable but unwilling.  This is the type of pain that can lower a wife's self-esteem, self-worth and value. Because she's married to a man who's capable but not too willing to do whatever it takes to secure a financial future for her.